With two more days to get to the end of what’s been an incredibly insane, AMAZING, maddening, awesome month, now is good time to reflect a little on all that’s been going on.
First off, I spent all of 14 days in the peace and quiet of home in Bangalore. And even when I was in the city, there were things to celebrate, places to go, endless to-do lists to strike off. There were two family events, one that is going to change our life in happy ways and yet, there’s been a part of me that is feeling a sense of loss. I never understood the over dramatic vidai scenes in our Bollywood flicks. At my own wedding, a June wedding at that, I was so uncomfortable in the peak 40 degrees up in the Great East, I lost no time in the hugging kissing and crying and instead, just got into the car with a harrowed expression on face, and let R drive me into the blazing sun :p But now that the baby sister’s about to get married, I can see this weird mix of sadness-tinged incredible happiness take shape. It is a metaphorical going away of sorts, and I am pretty sure things won’t change between us. But somewhere, deep down, I think it something will switch. In all of this, I also saw my baby sister look like a gorgeous almost-a-bride at her engagement. I saw her make new connections. I saw her boy and how amazing they are together. I saw her glow. I saw her dance like no one was watching. I saw her laugh with all her heart. I saw a whole lot more. And if that doesn’t bring me all kinds of feels, I’d be made of ice.
Apart from the feeeeeeels for baby sister, there were also adult responsibilities for most part this month. And a trip to the great East for a colourful family event with much laughter, music and dancing, and also lots of quintessential small town chatter about looks, skin colour, “prosperity” and the like. I saw an aunt I used to be very, very close to, age. Gracefully, sure. But age nevertheless. I saw my baby nieces become all kinds of awesome. Spirited, funny, innocent, gorgeous. And they made my heart so, so full. And they also gave me a little hope for the future of that small town chatter. You know what I mean?
It is not that I haven’t had these feels before but every time, there was R around. To listen to my emotional overload and the related verbal diarrhoea. To help me make sense of the things that didn’t and celebrate the things that did. And to really see where I was coming from or what makes my heart so easy to be so full all the bloody time! This time around though, when we weren’t in a sea of people or in different timezones when he travelled on work, we were trying hard to finish to-do lists at work. In June, I had all of two real conversations with R. When we got away for a little time to ourselves over pints of Ultra on his birthday and our anniversary.
So just like that, after a month full of mostly high highs and a couple of low lows, I had a bit of a meltdown in front of the mother yesterday. The feels took ugly shapes of unnecessary arguments and tears for a few hours till I had had enough of myself. How my mother deals with my nonsense, I will never know. And if karma really is a bitch, my child-freeness is perhaps a blessing in disguise.
In all of this, I also had a bit of an epiphany when it was pointed out to me that I set unreasonable, far fetched goals for myself. My first thought was to dismiss it because didn’t I just give up a well-paying job to work independently and wasn’t I extremely happy with the way this life was turning out? Of course that was my warped definition of ambition – that it’s got to do with designation and career. No, I aim for the stars in being the person I want to be in the different relationships in my life, in being there for the fewwww people I love but also like, in solving problems that I don’t need to solve, in happiness, state of mind. In having it “all”, in giving it all. I realised this has been a pattern in my life, a recurring theme. And now that I have it figured out, it is time to break the pattern. But no, I am not hoping to do it now. I am just hoping to. At some point.
Add to ALL of this, there was this amazing independent life that made sure that even when I could afford myself a holiday or two, I didn’t feel the need to take it. I have taken five flights in the last 28 days and have one more to go. And believe it or not, I have worked at every goddamned airport and flight this month. The only couple of days I afforded myself a complete break from work (but nothing else) was when there was no physical space around me to be able to work. Yes, I know I was being stupid and I don’t think I am going to do this to myself ever again.
So yes, dear god June, you’ve been quite something, but mostly in good ways. Dear heart, you really need to get some balls.
Dear July, stay still.