Disjointed thoughts

It’s one of those days. After a longish bout of flu and other routine madness, my brain’s finally on an overdrive. One that’s full of really random thoughts. Thoughts that are bordering on epiphanies but aren’t really there.

For instance, this over-involvement that I am prone to these days – this is me in India. I remember feeling extremely disturbed by how I used to only go through the motions in my life in KL. Just senseless structure, predictability and such. In India? Oh, no. It really is like a movie playing out all the time. This is not just chaos. It is an assault on all your senses including your mental faculties. But no, assault is not the right word. Because you don’t really mind it. It gets you thinking, feeling so much more. There are opinions and perspectives. And you’d be a fool to choose a side and stick to it. Because nowhere else more than India do you feel like the blacks and whites don’t exist. No one side is all correct or all wrong. In a lot of ways, I missed feeling like this. I missed the fact that things, relationships were too simple. They were either there or they weren’t and that was that. I was born in India and I am conditioned to feeling like my mental faculties are being challenged enough only when I am dealing with so many uncertainty and opinions. It makes me want to think of things like mindfulness again. It makes me think. And that, I am thankful for. But it can be exhausting sometimes, this tight rope walk when you are trying to learn from the opinions without really taken in by any one side, one team. But it is doable and that’s what I am aiming for.

I also realised that I spent the last few years trying not to stand out too much. I was not trying to fit in. I was trying not to stand out enough that it draws too much attention to me. Back home, I am comfortable with standing out, as I usually do. Because how different can I possibly be, here?

Etc. Not a coherent train of thoughts, not a coherent post.

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