In that space between just before you fall asleep, and consciousness, I have wondered a few times these last few years where my feeling of heartbreaking, stomach churning “upsetness” disappeared. I distinctly remember that time of the day being especially painful for years. Sometimes, it was failure, sometimes, loneliness. Sometimes, just unrequited or unnecessarily requited “feels”. And it was painful to the point of a young girl starting to enjoy it. I have a bit of a grey shade or rather, some deep dark places in my heart. You’d know if you’ve read me long enough.
Truth be told, when I heard a melancholic song, a dark love story, or read a book about love and longing, I almost missed feeling like that sometimes.. That heartbreaking melancholy that seldom had anything to do with the heart or the boys. It was all mine!
I still don’t know if it is discontentment with certain things in life or if I am just wired this way. But I have had this feeling come back frequently these last few weeks. I have written about it on and off on the blog. Last night, a full one and a half days after dropping off my folks at the airport, that feeling of incompleteness, melancholy, heartbreak just wouldn’t go away. I haven’t cried as easily in years as I have in the last couple of days. I am not sad, no. It doesn’t even feel like discontentment. Maybe, just maybe I am ready to accept that emotional dependence is a thing. And the power that it has over me makes me wonder, all the freaking time, if I really should make anymore connections in life that can make or break that time of the night just before I drift off to sleep.. If I really should have children, a family tree of my own. History is proof that I don’t handle emotional dependence too well. The warm cushy all-heart part of it, yes. The dark and melancholic – hell, no!
So yeah, now that we have established this, the road ahead will be rather easy. Sure.
Also, maybe, maybe I should do a whole cryptic alert series because honestly, I don’t know the half of what I am trying to say here. So much for blogging to express my feelings.