I came across these lines on Facebook a couple of days ago –
“”Kulasekara to Dhoni, SIX, Thunderous wallop! A stunning crashing blow to achieve it. It was a full delivery and Dhoni has sent the white ball flying over long-on. Indian contingent have gone mad. The dressing room erupts with joy. Dhoni had a poor batting record in World cups. 34 was his highest. And what does he do? He promotes himself and has played a fine knock to pull this off. Yuvraj envelops him with a hug. What a knock from Gautam Gambhir and Dhoni. Spare a thought for Mahela Jayawardene who unfurled a sublime knock to set up this target. ITS INDIA’S NIGHT THOUGH. IT’s DHONI’s NIGHT. INDIA ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!”
And I am amazed that in just a few months, it will be four years since that insane night of cricketing awesomeness. Four years since dunking Coronas, calling the husband every few minutes because research life beckoned him to work on a World Cup Saturday! He made it in time to see the best parts (according to me.. But then again, I am not too technical about the game.) but what transpired that day had a role to play in many things that followed.
So what happened, really? I remember being incredibly bored. Not disappointed. Not with work. Not with life. Just really, really bored. After almost two years of Bangalore’s awesome weather, I was craving for something different. And boy did that wish get fulfilled. Almost four years, a new job, a new city later, I am craving a bit of change again. But only to the extent of an Air Asia flight to some place. Or something. Other than that, I find myself in a good place for most part. Notice a bit of stillness. Not complacence. Just stillness. This need to just be. To see things through to the end without waiting to run away to something else ever so often.
What else? At long last, I have completely lost the patience for people. I had it a long time coming.. I tried people. Made an effort. In different places. Different situations. And realized that I am never going to be the kind of person who wants to know people just for the heck of it. I rarely connect with people. I rarely lose the ones I do connect with. In 2011, a blog war of sorts amazed, disappointed, and fazed me out for a relatively long time (considering it was, at the end of the day, a war of words with strangers). Four years hence, even real life communication breakdowns rarely make a difference. I swear I feel worse about slow syncing on Apple TV. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. We’ll find out.
There are some effortless connections I have. Effortless because neither party makes an effort but when our paths do collide, it’s like no time has passed. Those are enough.
Being alone. In complete solitude. R. Breaking away from city life ever so often. The peace and quiet of my balcony. Or a drive. Enough. Really.
What else happened? Well, this might just be a phase but 7 years since I started working and 4 since the last World Cup (not related in any manner), I am extremely disillusioned about workplaces. This routine we set ourselves into. These things that we think make us look important, feel important. The lack of flexibility. The lack of freedom to do as you want, express what you need to. This blatant competition to tell a better weekend story on Monday morning. To fake someone else’s achievements as one’s own. And even getting rewarded for it! The pointless jargons, appraisal discussions, other discussions, office gossip, lame long hours, bullshit. I want to breathe. I want to just sit there. Watch the world go by. Maybe click a few pictures. Go swim on a whim. But I can’t. Because at 30, my most productive hours really are between 9 am and 6 pm. And I spent every minute of it confined in an air-conditioned office. Quiet if it’s a lucky day. Air conditioners whirring, people whispering, there is a sense of urgency all around and for what? It all seems very, very unhealthy. Did I say pointless already?
You know, I still like what I do. I could even squirm and say love. And I work in PR, famously known as the most pointlessly stressful of all professions. Except, I love it. I love the collaboration. I love story lines. I love looking at something unbearably boring (yeah, in college, I phased out when someone said Cloud Computing too. I studied IT engineering!) and turning it into something someone would want to write about. And someone would read. I love calming jittery nerves before a press conference or an interview that might turn dicey. I love being dependable. Befriending and bailing out folks in a profession as lonely as in-house PR/ comms – my good deed for the day. I love all of it. Yes. Me. Because as a non-people’s person, I should ideally SUCK at it but I don’t. I am actually rather good. Probably, as an introvert who was pushed into social situations by a super-enthusiastic, social mother, and somehow ending up in PR might have something to do with my need to be a recluse in my after hours. People take energy. Smiling, talking, presenting.. It all takes energy and I have it only in limited spurts.
And when there are social obligations to attend to after all of this, when people don’t get your need to be alone, and being an introvert is just not acceptable no matter which profession you are in, I can’t help but wonder why being in the minority sucks THIS much. Race. Religion. People skills. Left handedness.
On days that I think about these things, I get angsty. Acceptance comes hard to people like me. At long last, it has, for me. I think. At least for most part.
Domesticity is another skill I probably always had but have come to accept only now. I love arranging Tupperware, Diwali cleaning, a clean, minimalistic house. The fact that most of this domesticity in my case comes without the drudgery of everyday cooking all alone, makes it alright. Enjoyable, even. The drudgery of everyday cooking is so far gone, that I have started to explore a new hobby. Baking. After sucking at it for many years, and then not trying for many, I have managed to whip up some pretty good, unscientific, uncomplicated Saturday night desserts these last couple of times. Been feeling quite proud of myself.
What else? In the words of my Instagram bio, “Read, travel, work. Cook, eat, love. An ordinary life.” After many years of wanting a life full of excitement, we hit rock bottom around 2011 World Cup finale. Almost 4 years since, it’s this everyday, ordinary life that seems exciting. Enticing, even. There is this unprecedented stillness, thehraav. And all things nice.
In a couple of months, it will be World Cup again. Can I say it’s been a full circle since then? Hell yes!