Losing my mojo..

Until very recently, the few things that I really, truly thought I was not susceptible to were being demotivated, political mind games, and being full of doubt about myself.

These last few months, I have been questioning all of this. It feels like quarter life crisis except I know it’s not. I am probably just being human when I feel the way I do about these new rules of being a grown up and conforming, about the pressure of putting on a brave face when the chips are down, about the desperate need to look the other way when everything you stand for and achieve is undermined over and over again for no real fault of yours.

Until a few months ago, I would easily walk out on anybody who even suggested that I wear make up to work. Or went behind my back to undermine the person I am and trivialize the value that I bring to the table – over and over again. Hell, if someone came to me with this challenge of just staying up and about that I am facing right now, I’d tell them that as long as they know they are alright, they are. I have turned a deaf ear to most of this bullshit – fighting, getting over it, and moving on. But not only I am losing my mojo, I am also losing the will to fight.

Then there are the political mind games. I know I can play my cards better. But I have only two cards – being true to myself, and not giving in to mind games and resorting to playing my own. In the perfect world, these cards would have meant something. But this adults’ world we live in, it’s far from perfect. Everyone is out playing those games, the ones you consider children, the ones who could be mentors – everyone. The innocence is gone, the dignity doesn’t exist anymore. Some do it to hide their incompetence. Some, because apparently “that’s how it’s done”. Where does that leave people like me? How do I stay and continue to do the things I love without being bogged down by baggage? Be patient, maybe tone down the enthusiasm and live with the fact that this world of grown ups demands compromise? Know that there will be collateral damage but in the end, walking the path I wanted to, feeling upbeat about not just the ends but the means, and the appreciate general peace of mind that comes from knowing that mind games is not my thing and that I shouldn’t even be bothered with something I will neither be good at nor I want to learn, is my game? Yes, that should be it. When I learn it, hopefully the mojo will be back too.

In the meantime, there’s always Coach Goldsmith and his mantra – take a deep breath and let it go. And resort to feel good people around and feel good videos on the internet. Such as this one..

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