I remember one of my old blog posts.. One that spoke about being “strong and independent” (oh, the cliche!) and having days when I “want” to be emotionally dependent. That post was The Perfect Guy (yeah, you think about those things a fair bit when you are 24.
These last couple of months, on the wrong side of the 20s, I was beginning to wonder if my choices were leaning too much on the side of emotional dependence. It didn’t help that I didn’t have the opportunity to find out if that was true because R was mostly around – and I didn’t want it any other way. In the last four years of our marriage , I have not spent more than five days away from him. Never had to. Talk about co-dependence? Naah, more like fellow-traveler syndrome and life’s circumstances. And in the middle of all this, I was beginning to question if I had forgotten the strong and independent promise I had made to the 24 year old me. I was beginning to doubt the authenticity of my feminism (no, I repeat that’s a strong one and I am probably not one).
So earlier in January, when we figured that we’d be spending two weeks in different countries one after the other, I have to admit that I was a little paranoid. Now if you knew my husband, you’d know that he cares. So much that he takes care of things before I get out of my inertia. If you knew me, if I can get away with not doing the important stuff, I will. It’s easy to be taken care of. Much to my own annoyance, I was unsure of my ability to entertain myself anymore. I was singing paens to my mother, who for most part of her marriage, spent three quarters of her marriage away from my dad. Yes, I like drama.
However, I have to say that I did alright. Traveled, socialized, cooked, entertained (myself), watched endless TV, read. I still have it in me. I can’t wait for R to get home.. And yet, I am very comfortable about my own ability to be independent even after all these years. This was important for me. And I am ok. It was a good thing to find out after half a decade of happy emotional dependence.
And yet, I cannot wait to get back to normal programming again. It’s going to be a happy, happy weekend!