For the last few years, I have been truly happy. And for the last few days, a ridiculous thought had been nagging me. Have I “dumbed down”? Have I stopped questioning? Am I too happy with too little? I don’t know. For most part of my life, I almost prided myself on my misery. I used to think that I am demanding a lot of my own life, that I have the intellectual capability to question things around me, and hence I was unhappy. I am not sure if that has indeed changed. I think I am gearing up a little bit everyday, for something that is beyond “being happily married” and having a “decent job that pays well”. At least I hope I am. Or maybe I am the average joe and I really am happy with too little. I still question my instincts, those of people around me, and I am judging the world like never before. But maybe, just maybe, I have grown up enough to not be miserable over any of this. Maybe I have stopped losing my sleep over everyday hassle, the bigger goals that I have not achieved yet, and everything that is not perfect in my world. Maybe this is what they call growing up.
Or maybe I HAVE dumbed down. I cannot say with absolute certainty.
But whatever it is, this is a good place. It may get better, it may get worse. But for all the times that I said to others that happiness comes from within, I have actually started living it only in the last few years. I have given credit where it is due, many times over on this blog alone. The husband, the family, the job. But I guess for someone who enjoyed being miserable for a really long time, no matter what the circumstances, it is only fair that I give myself the credit I deserve.
Let go of angst – check. Go me!
Title reference: Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. ~Anthony J. D’Angelo