*drumrolls* 7 years of writing random nothings. 7 years of fetishes, failures, heartbreaks, and eyesores. Of engineering graphics, exam blues, men and friends, hangovers, night outs, complete-lack-of-social-life, first job, bosses, clients, family, unbelievably stupid arranged marriage matches, and then that one perfect match, falling in love, getting married, changing jobs, changing cities. My blogs have seen it all. 7 years of my life are documented in various blogs, phase by phase, trip by trip, song by song, book by book. I don’t think any of this is ever going to be of any consequence to anyone except me. But then I started blogging for myself, didn’t I? I guess that is why this sustained interest even after all these years. There is nothing else I have stuck with for so long. Nothing except real people, albeit very few.
I am reproducing two posts from my first month of blogging. In italics is the old me talking. I used to go by the name of Jill then. Jill Of All Trades. Kill me.
The first post ever –
Then – Ever realised how many emotions there are within you waiting to explode? Ever wondered why sometimes you choose to feel protected under that facade of “I DON’T CARE” when you actually care so much that it hurts? Ever wondered why sometimes you fail so badly at the only thing you thought you would be good at that it haunts you every waking moment.. and sometimes even after you sleep? Ever wondered why you decide to stay surrounded by people you don’t even like much just to keep your own loneliness at bay? Ever wondered why dance parties don’t make you happy anymore? Ever wondered why you have such few people you can FRIENDS? Ever wondered why someone you held so dear hurt you so badly? Ever wondered why you sometimes hold on to the past for so long that the present just glides by and you don’t even notice? Ever wondered why you feel so lonely even with 20 people around you? Ever wondered why…
Now – Please don’t judge me. I was a very depressed kid then, engineering graphics was driving me crazy. I was flunking exams for the first time in life. I hated my college. Tell you what. I will not mind if you do judge me, because right now I judge myself for the sheer precociousness in the last paragraph. “I wonder why…” (sic!)
Then – I have.. Hence the blog..
Now – I wish there had been a better reason.
Then – After months of sulking and pretending to myself and to people around me that I was happy, I’ve finally decided that I have had enough.. I need to be myself.. Once more.. I need to express myself.. Something I haven’t done in a very long time..
Now – And once I started “expressing myself” (sic!), there was no stopping me, was there?
Then – I’m no great shakes at writing.. But I’m honest.. I hope I’m able to get my act together and hang around for long!
Now – I kept my word there!
Then – I hate formal introductions (and fond farewells).. So I’m going to give you none of that.. Just the objective bits and pieces of me here and there maybe.. Because this blog is about the me not too many people know about..
Now – Objective pieces of me here and there? What was I thinking?
Then – Its the beginning of a new era for me.. :) (Believe me I didn’t want to make the last sentence sound so pretentious!!)
Now – And what an “era” this has been :P And oh, I am glad even then I knew when I sounded pretentious!
And now a post-full of questions. Let us see if we have found the answers.
Then – My dreams…
And my reality
And my fears
And my accomplishment
Will they ever meet?
Now – Dreams and reality, yes. Ambition and accomplishment, I would say yes. Because what was not accomplished was trashed, and the ambition was tweaked a little bit. Whatever keeps me happy. Now who will tell me how on earth do hopes and fears “meet”? I mean seriously!
Then and Now – They say how long we live doesn’t matter… What matters is how much we live.
Will I live enough? Who cares?
Have I set attainable goals for myself? Goals? Really now!
Have I set any goals for that matter? Now that is a better question.
Is it true that nothing is unattainable if we have that burning desire? Not always.
Do I have that desire? When have I not? :-)
Am I trying hard enough? When have I ever?
Does luck play a role? That has always been my faithful excuse. So I will have to say yes.
Will I be lucky enough? Oh yeah baby!
Why do some people have to try harder and longer? Because they only “think” they are doing enough, when they are really only wasting time drinking coffee at the coffee shop in college, and doing “random tp” in the hostel.
Am I really one of them? Not anymore. I realised this soon after.
Or is it just my self pity and self doubt? Do I even have to answer that?
Will I get what I deserve? I think I have got more, and I can only knock on every piece of wood within reach every time this thought crosses my mind. So there!
Or at least think I deserve? Self doubt, all over again.
Do I deserve anything at all? Ok stop already!
Do I want things served to me on a platter? Is it not human to?
Or am I really doing something to deserve what I want? Stop. Stop. I am losing track of the conversation :P
Life doesn’t give us a second chance, does it? It does. Always, always does.
Or doesn’t it? Am I still just as repetitive?
How important is believing? In what?
Why is so difficult for me? Bullshit. I have always believed.
Am I a pessimist? Me? I am optimistic to a fault!
Was I always one? Always? Never.
They say when you die, your entire life glides past your eyes…
I don’t know how long I’ll live…
But I want to be happy when I die.
What does being happy mean?
- (superl.) Favored by hap, luck, or fortune; lucky; fortunate; successful; prosperous; satisfying desire; as, a happy expedient; a happy effort; a happy venture; a happy omen.
- (superl.) Experiencing the effect of favorable fortune; having the feeling arising from the consciousness of well-being or of enjoyment; enjoying good of any kind, as peace, tranquillity, comfort; contented; joyous; as, happy hours, happy thoughts.
- (superl.) Dexterous; ready; apt; felicitous.
Isn’t happiness a very subjective term? Hmmm. I am no longer smart enough to even understand that question. I don’t think I ever was!
Why do I slip into nothingness sometimes? Because I am sleepy and tired. Or overfed.
Why do I let some people affect my happiness? Now that is a question I ask myself every other day. To this day!
Are happiness and success related? Yes sir.
How deeply? Not very.
How successful will I be in life? I will let that pass for now :-)
And how happy? What do you think? :-)
Do I have the answers? Not all. Nobody ever has.
Will I ever find them? No, I have just stopped asking questions. Because it is more than obvious now that my questions were (are?) not extremely intelligent!
Now. Definitely now.
This was one long incessant rambling. I will understand if the only person who reads till the end is me. And I also know I will come back to read this a lot of times. 7 years. Is. A. Long. Time.
P.S. It is extremely funny that I started blogging because of the world’s most trivial reasons, those reasons are long forgotten, blogging still isn’t!