P: damn
its a monday
1:53 PM
u know have been having these conversations with a lot of people lately
people who are successful by certain standards
and people like me who are struggling to find their niche
but i sense this sense of loss
as in u have evrything
1:54 PM
but there is a tug
cos sth thats very imp
and nobody knows what it is
is missing

me: hmmmm.. everyone..

P: everyone. but i dont include u in the list of the restless weary everyone
cos u my girl
u find something

me: well i’ve forgotten all “smthing missing” for the time being

P: in everything
1:58 PM
even buying a nice earring
gives u so much joy
god bless u
enjoy ur bliss
2:00 PM

me: gadhi! :P
2:01 PM
its abt finding the little joys n completely forgetting abt the big ones..
funda maara :P
but its not a great thing to do.. mind u..

P: its abt finding the lil joys tha matters
or else u keep waiting for the big ones
and nothing is ever enff
2:02 PM

me: hmmmm.. as long u can stay happy n still keep trying for the bigger ones..
i dont know how much of the latter i do..

I was reading this chat with a one-time-very-close friend. And I realised that at this very moment, I am not the restless-happy that I used to be once. I am feeling low. And I don’t even know why.

Great personal life – Check
Decent job – Check
Work life balance – Check check check, considering I am still a week away from starting off in the new place.
Enough money – Check
Enough fun – Check
Nice cozy house – Check

I do not think twice before I do anything fun. I am low maintainance. Everything seems perfect in my life. Yet, right now there’s something missing and I can’t place it.

I have lost out on 2 people who seemed to be my lifelines once. The thing is this was a conscious decision. I do not want to associate myself with some people that I have known all my life. But that said, I miss them. I miss the conversations I used to have with them. And the jokes I would make up in my head and wait to tell them. Well let’s say I miss my days of reckless abandon while I was with them. Not that I am any less reckless than what I used to be. And not that I don’t have a friend for life who not only responds to those horrible jokes I pride myself on but also gives his own silly inputs that have me rolling on the floor :P But that said, I miss having more women in my life :P Never thought I of all people would say this. Ever :) But this doesn’t mean I am going to change everything I stand for. No, that I won’t.

On an aside, the person who came up with the idea of children and parents living in different cities/ homes, should be executed in full public view. Everytime I speak to my parents, I can sense their loneliness. I want to fill that void by being with them. But I also know I won’t do that. But I miss them. 2 people who spend their entire lives thinking about all possible ways to make our lives comfortable, are now alone in their loneliness… Their not-so-stable health. And I feel helpless about not being able to do anything about it. But that said, it’s great that my parents are back in their honeymoon days :) All for the best I guess.

Today’s a bad day. This too shall pass.

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